You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
