sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
