It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
