i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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