Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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