Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
