I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
