whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Randomize
