so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize