I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize