6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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