Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
