i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
