I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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