I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
