apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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