I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
