I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
