I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Randomize
