So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
