I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
