I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
