So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
