I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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