I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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