Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
