I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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