i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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