ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Randomize
