When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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