Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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