omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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