I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
