woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
