Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
