There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
