I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize