I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Randomize
