she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
