Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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