You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
