Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
