Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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