Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
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