dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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