Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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