yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
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