If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
