i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
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