That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
it's great music for shaving your balls
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Randomize
