Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Just cropdusted the office
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Randomize
