I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
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