I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Randomize
