My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
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