thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
