Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
