There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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