and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
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