from now on my penis is your penis
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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