Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Randomize
