God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
