I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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