So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
