i think my mom watched the whole time
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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