I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
