I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
