I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize