you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
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