well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
