The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
