I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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